With some amount of fiddling, including the use of all three of SharpKeys, nircmd, and a bat-to-exe converter, I have convinced two of the three special keys up and to the right of the main keyboard to function as volume up and down buttons. The only thing is, unlike Fn+F11/F12, holding them down does not ever result in them repeating. Being that they're unusually loud and hard to press compared to the normal keys on the keyboard, it would be much better to be able to hold them down, as one often would while adjusting volume. How can I get these keys to auto-repeat?
(And I know you can set the whole F-row to the alternates. That would be OK if I didn't use, for example, Alt-F4 to close windows, which then is less conveniently Fn-Alt-F4.)