So, after months of trying to figure this out myself - without taking it into a shop - I figured out the extremely simple solution to this. I am going to post this answer to all other threads that I have posted with regard to this, just in case somebody else has a similar issue regarding a like-modeled laptop. I'm not saying that this is a universal solution, but it is one that worked for me and was so simple that I simply overlooked it.
The connections between many of the hardware components of this laptop are extremely delicate and connect by nothing more than an adhesive and a small piece of black tape. With my situation having been that I left my computer in a hot car for too long, I assumed that it was heat damage to the battery and I would need a replacement. I took the back off of my computer yesterday for fun (I'll post a video at the end of this that shows a person I do not know disassembling a very similar computer if you need help) in an attempt to view the cpu. While doing this I decided it would be a good idea to remove the - in the words of an Asus rep from a phone call I made - "not removable battery" from the system so that I could take note of the model number. In doing so, it was then that I learned about the weak adhesive tape. I realized that the battery seemed to be partially disconnected, presumably because the heat of the car softened the adhesive and the connection shifted. I reconnected the battery and reassembled the computer and fired her up. Then, BAM! The battery worked WITHOUT the charger! How happy I must have been, until I realized the screen would not fire up. So I panicked, thinking that I broke it while taking it apart. I went back into the computer again and realized that the connection from the touch screen to the motherboard crossed over the connection to the battery and used the same weak adhesive and little back tape. I inspected and saw that it was peeled up slightly. This told that while I was handling the battery, I accidentally moved that chord. I reconnected/retaped it down and fired of the computer. Voila.
Thanks everybody for the help, I really appreciate it. And I'm glad that I got this fixed.
Here is the link to this taking it apart. This isn't me, and if you're careful you wont break the clips like he did...